Eli Burnstein
Writing
The New Yorker
So You Want to Use My Printer?
Text Messages from My Mother After I Publish a Single Article Online
I Cannot Begin To Tell You How Proficient I Am in Microsoft Word
XII Reasons Roman Numerals Are Better Than Arabic Numerals
Isn’t it Byronic? (Performed by Marc Philippe Eskenazi)
Phishing Scammer or One of Your Parents?
Fitness Terms (And What I Assume They Mean)
I Have Been Watching This Man’s Laptop for Thirty Years
I’m Not From the Past—I Sweareth!
I'm a Nineteenth-Century Novel, and I Have a Lot to Say About These Drapes
Slackjaw
13 Degrees More Advanced than a Ph.D.
Welcome to Hollywood! (with Lillie E. Franks)
Why Didn’t You Wear Tortoiseshell Glasses To My Tortoiseshell-Glasses-Only Party?
Committee Meeting of the Oxford English Dictionary
Your Boyfriend’s Parents’ Bathroom: A Step-by-Step Guide
A Complete List of Every University in London
Have You Eaten With Us Before?
COVID-19 Self-Test Instructions, In Verse
I Keep Losing Freelance Copywriting Gigs To Joyce Carol Oates
The Queen’s Gambit: Checkers Edition
Our Automated Phone Menu Options Have Changed For The Worse So Please Listen Carefully
The Offing
The Alpine Review
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